I was at Target today, minding my own business, roaming the store and enjoying the first day the little man’s been back to school after being out sick for almost 2 weeks. Browsing the sales, riding down the aisles on the bar below the cart….just being a jackass…or rather partaking in my own jackassary….then it happened, it hasn’t happened in a while, and while I try to be worry free for the most part sometimes those things you push to the back of your head because the logical part of you knows you can’t stress over what you can’t control finds a way to creep out.
What happened you ask?? One of my biggest fear came true…a giant green monster came through the front doors of the store, ran down the aisles screaming and growling…yanking everything off the shelves…pushing everyone who was in his path out of the way…searching frantically for ½ priced orange juice…once he found the oj….destroying everything in his path…he made his way….still screaming and trashing everything in his way…to the checkout. He then handed the cashier his expired oj coupon, and when the cashier politely, and slightly terrified, tried to politely explain the stores coupon policy the angry monster bit her head off, said “There’s your coupon bitch” and walked off…oj and expired coupon in hand….
Wait—that didn’t happen—but I have your attention now don’t I?? And I made you laugh a little too…didn’t I?? So now on to my real semi-emotionally related-meltdown….I’m roaming the aisle, goofing off, admiring my own genius for the long johns I found on clearance for super cheap, and I saw an older lady with 2 teenage boys…they weren’t related, it wasn’t a family outing…it was 2 special needs boys…who if I had to guess lived in some sort of group home and were out running errands….The boys were happy, the lady seemed caring…as I was searching for the right type of sausage I overheard them discussing the items they needed and who they were shopping for. One of the boys was walking down the aisle with his hands over his ears. And as I continued to search for the red meat free Italian flavored sausage for my calzones tonight they vanished down another aisle and that was it….That’s where most people would continue to shop and go about their business not giving it much more thought…not me…that moment, when I saw the group of three walk down a aisle in the store, minding their own business, that’s when I almost lost it…right in the middle of the store.
I accept the fact that stressing over what you can’t control is pointless, I understand that it doesn’t get you anywhere and I still believe that 100%, BUT that doesn’t mean feelings don’t creep up occasionally. I accept Autism and all it Is & Isn’t. I accept I can’t control the future. I accept the fact that I must live forever to care for my children, as many special needs parents do…..But I still cannot see a special needs adult without almost losing it. It breaks my heart, not for the person, but for my own family….yes I know that makes me sound like a selfish ass…but I want it all for my kids….and while there are great long term care options available out there I hate thought of any of it! My babies need to stay babies forever…or better yet…insurance companies could realize that 1:91 children will be 1:91 adults before we know it, and start covering more intensive therapies….Even better that that I need to find the magic trigger that makes each of cuties tick in order to help them grow to be the best they can be….
So you’re waiting to hear what happens next right??? Did I cry my eyes out in the middle of the store like a nutcase? Did I say too hell with it and take out my frustrations on the green expired coupon using monster, kicking him straight in his monster rear? Nope, nothing that exciting. Actually, I sucked up my feelings, shoved them deep down where they, along with all the other worries you can’t control, belong, and I went about my shopping. Feeling a little bummed at thoughts of what the future holds, but more than anything feeling excited to see my cuties after school, hug them, and tell them they are PERFECT!!!
REMEMBER [When those darn emotions and worries, about whatever it is you may be stressing about, start sneaking in] :::::Van Wilder said it best:::::Worryings like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere
LivinLife123 
I can’t imagine how hard it must be, these moments. Stay strong!
Thank You! Thankfully the moments are few are and far between, i appreciate your support!! 🙂
I was an Early Intervention Therapist for kids with autism and I wish for you everything you want for your kids. I want insurance companies to wake up too, because right now having autism in one state is a heck of a lot better than having it in another one and that’s not really fair. Here is my big virtual hug to you, Supermom. It’s an amazing, mind-boggling thing you are doing, but I like that you can still quote Van Wilder and make up stories about monsters in Target. You’re winning. Erin
Thank you! I have to say that we have been fortunate in the fact that we started with ECI with all the boys at 15 months. And our insurance does cover more therapy than many companies, but there has to be a better solution. Esp for the parents out there whose insurance covers no therapy whatsoever. It’s just so scary to think that as a society as whole we are in no way ready for so many special needs children to transition into adulthood…
Van Wilder actually gave some pretty decent advice lol 🙂
Great post, Sara! You’re strong, girl, but sending you a big hug anyway.
You make me shake my head all the time. I simply don’t think I would have the courage you do. I think I have pity parties FOR you since you never seem to have them yourself. Yes, that’s the lesson I know. But still… standing ovations all around.
Thank you!! :):) I have to say if you asked me pre kids could I do it I’d say I can’t…but life always manages to surprise you like that. And I have to say the monsters and i have a blast…I think you’re an amazing mama too!!! The future is such a scary thing for any parent
You inspire me and make me want to cry all at the same time! I love you and am always here for you when you need a hand/shoulder.
I do not view your thoughts as selfish at all. Your words articulate feelings that go unspoken by others due to fear. Expressing your truth is brave and helps others to express their own. And I agree that worry is a useless emotion unless we use it to propel us into action. Your love for your children is your action and has to be very impactful to them.
I needed that quote right now…so thank you.
Beautiful, touching, bittersweet post. My younger sister (who will be 21 in April) has Down Syndrome, and I imagine my mom feels like this from time to time. We don’t bring up living in group homes anymore, because my mom flies off the handle.
You know the saying (cliche as it is), “A baby changes everything.” I don’t claim to understand what you are going through, because neither of my boys have ‘special needs’. Still, when I hear a child cry out of neglect, or I see a child battling something like Diabetes (my husband’s brother has battled it since age 2), and many other things – I become weepy. As a parent – as a Mom – I want to be able to fix the hurt, and I want it to be easy.
I am glad you allowed yourself a moment. We all have them.
You deserve many moments – as long as them make you feel better. Thank you so much for sharing this.
You are an amazing grandaughter. I am so proud of you, and my heart aches for you when you have a day, like you did in Target, but your ability to overcome is fantastic. Your post are always inspiring and heartwarming. Don’t stop, there are many out in the world facing these problems and your outlook is so uplifting . These precious monsters as you so lovingly call them, are going to grow with your guidance into productive adults. I really believe it.
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